(7 minute read)

We have a crabapple tree in our backyard that blossoms in the spring and ripens in the fall. I caught my two-year-old son munching on something he found on the ground and thankfully – it was just a crabapple. I stepped back to take in our tree. Teeny-tiny yellow apples speckled red. How were they almost ready to be picked? Was summer ending already? I hadn’t noticed any back-to-school advertisements but then again, I no longer look for them. It’s funny to think I use to be on them.

I was 20 when this shot of me was taken and I can remember feeling disappointed that I was not off to school myself. Heritage 1981 was launching a new line at Forever21 and I got to be one of the models they used. It was a fun shoot but I can remember feeling a little ashamed of myself as the other model gushed about her experiences at UCLA. I had ditched any and all college plans to pursue a career I wasn’t even passionate about. I wanted something more but I didn’t know what that was. I knew one thing for certain; I wouldn’t look this young forever and having my income dependent on my appearance felt wildly unstable. 

I think Covid19 has given new meaning to the word “unstable”. A lot of you out there have been crippled by all this change. Your plans for this fall have either been destroyed or seriously altered. Had this been my first semester, I would have been absolutely devastated. Because when I enrolled in University six years ago, I was looking for something more than just a degree; I wanted a new way to define myself. 

For those who don’t know me, I am not a very intelligent or talented person. Seriously. I have to work so hard just to be slightly above average. I was never the best soccer player growing up even though I practiced and worked harder at it than most of the other kids. I would spend hours on the piano only to watch my older brother perfectly execute Debussy’s Clair De Lune without even trying. And as I discovered in University, I had to study for hours on end and have basically no social life to achieve B’s and eventually A’s. Many of my other peers would party on the weekends, barely study, and somehow score an A+. I would spend weeks working on a paper and watch a friend of mine write his the night before it was due and still do better than me. Nevertheless I was determined to prove to myself that I could be “smart”.

Before we get too excited here, it’s not like I have a masters degree or anything. I worked ridiculously hard just to get a Bachelor of Arts degree with a major in English (and I still make grammatical errors all the bloody time). I spent the first few years of my degree getting Bs and I convinced myself that if I could just get a 4.0 – then I would have “arrived”. I was a woman possessed my final year of University. I had to get a 4.0 to prove to myself that I could be “smart”; and if I could be smart then that meant I was worthy. Because being “beautiful” definitely never left me feeling like I was enough. So being “intelligent” was sure to do the trick. 

Well the semester ended and I waited in anticipation for my marks to come in. The day they came I was like a kid on Christmas. I bounced up and down and annoyed my husband to no end. I had done it. I had managed to get a 4.0 my final semester. All of that hard work had paid off – or had it? I sat there staring at my marks. Why was I unhappy? Why was I feeling so wretchedly unfulfilled? What the heck. This was what I worked so hard for! Sure my marriage wasn’t in the best state because I had neglected it in exchange for the kind of validation grades could provide. But I did it! What did I do? I knew deep down that the pursuit of anything apart from Christ would leave me feeling unfulfilled, but I chased after a perfect GPA anyway. I think the psychology majors refer to this as cognitive dissonance.

You know what I did the following week? I did not celebrate. I did not cry. I just binge-watched the Lord of the Rings series – twice. Then I buried myself in the books. I felt a little like Gollum bemoaning my “precious” (so many of you are not getting this dorky reference right now). Basically I had managed to switch my identity from being rooted in who I was as a model to who I was as a college-educated woman. To put it another way, I switched my value from beauty to brains. And once again, I found myself feeling completely empty. 

Now please don’t misunderstand me. I am not dismissing higher education – Not at all! My husband and I have already opened a college fund for our two-year-old son and our six-month-old daughter is next. Education is essential. Proverbs 16:16 puts it like this: “How much better to get wisdom than gold! To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver” (ESV). But this blog I’ve begun is about that which makes us truly beautiful and that’s “Christ in us, the hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27). Looking to anything else to define us is, in my opinion and experience, insufficient; and that’s ultimately the point I’m trying to make.

One more note of clarity to my non-Christian readers: I am not talking about religion here. I am well aware of the monstrosities in our world committed in the name of religion. I once agreed whole heartedly with Gandhi’s quote about liking Christ but not the christians – until I became one and realized the struggle is real. Church is a repair shop, not a retail store. So calm down. I am not trying to sprinkle Jesus overtop of history and the terrible things done in God’s name. Human-beings have a propensity for evil. Even the great philosophers of our time can agree to that (Except Rousseau – the heck with that guy and his stupid philosophy). 

Basically what I’m trying to say, rather inarticulately, is that we are sinful creatures. This is precisely why we need Jesus – not religion and works but a personal and transformative relationship with Christ. The kind of relationship that cuts to the core of our selfish nature and enables us to be self-sacrificial. In a culture obsessed with self, we need more “dying to self”. Which is why I’m chasing after what John the Baptist meant when he said that Christ must increase and he must decrease (see John 3:30).

So, back to my point: What are you hoping will define you? What is it that you are chasing after that you are certain will give you a sense fulfillment and purpose? If like me you’ve found that beauty is terribly fleeting, then please realize so is everything else! Just stop and think about it. What are you chasing after? Because you might think intelligence is not fleeting and that it will offer you the stability you seek, but you’re wrong. Something as simple as falling on your snowboard can erase a small chunk of your memory (I speak from experience). But also any head-injury! And what about Alzheimer’s disease? I knew an elderly woman who had Alzheimer’s and it got so bad that she forgot her husband, her children, and at its worst her own name – but she never forgot Jesus or that she was saved by grace. Your brain like your beauty is finite and fleeting. Do not place your identity there. 

Covid19 may have ruined a lot of your plans this coming fall, but don’t let it rob you of one more thing – your security and identity in Christ. Change is scary and it sucks. Believe me I know. Life is full of twists and turns and changes. That’s why it’s crucial to be grounded in Christ – He is “the same yesterday, today, and forever” (Hebrews 13:8). 

Do you remember that crab-apple tree I was talking about earlier? I deliberately began this blog post with that tree in mind. Believe it or not, it has given me a picture of a deeper reality. You see we’ve had an unusually stormy summer. I’m talking destructive winds and torrential hail. Naturally a lot of the younger trees in our backyard did not survive these storms. But our dear crab-apple tree did. Not only did this tree survive – it’s actually thriving! It seems to be standing taller than ever and it’s bearing an abundance of fruit. 

When our identity is rooted in weaker things like beauty or even brains, then we’ll end up looking a lot like those younger trees. The storms of change will come and they will take us out. But if we ground ourselves in Christ, we will stand strong like the crab-apple tree. Only the fruit we bear won’t be teeny-tiny apples – it’ll be “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). 

So plant yourself firmly in Christ and “let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness” (Colossians 2:7, NLT). Take this season of change to ground yourself in the One who never changes. God has got you. Trust Him.