When Idols Fall

(12 minute read)

Isn’t it strange how some memories can play over in your head like a scene from a movie? How details like dim-light or even certain smells can transport you back. Life seems to be made up of these defining moments that either shape us or break us. I have one particular memory that’s a little bit of both. It was the beginning of my departure from seeking fame & fortune and the entrance into what would eventually become my search for Christ; or as I now see it, His unceasing pursuit of me. 

Let me take you back; to seventeen years ago in Paris, France. At the age of sixteen I was making more money than I knew what to do with and found myself in the fast-lane towards “success”. By this point in my career, my parents no longer travelled the world with me (yes 16 is too young to travel and live on your own and no, my children will not be doing this). 

Although I had not “walked” the major shows that season, my then gay best-friend had. He was actually exclusive for Prada (to those not familiar with the fashion industry or this term, this was a VERY big deal). As a result of his rising stardom, he was invited to a private Versace after-party – and I was his “plus-one”. Everyone who was anyone found themselves there at some point throughout the night. Of course I was starstruck at the endless stream of famous people that seemed to filter in and out; but when you’re in these kind of places you can’t act like it. You have to act like you belong. Eventually you start to believe you do. 

The room felt like a palace. I had never seen anything so grande. The bottles of champagne & wine being served cost more than my father’s vehicle; That much I remember quite distinctly. Smoke softly filled the room and hung in the air like mist. I don’t remember it smelling bad, which is weird because I hate the smell of cigarettes. Across the room were balcony doors and a view that even from the inside, took my breath away. There towering over Paris was the Eiffel tower. It was actually the first time I truly saw it in the bustle and madness of fashion week. It was surreal for me at sixteen. 

Clinging to the side of my friend’s arm all night was the daughter of a rather famous celebrity couple. Like me, she found herself alone and unsupervised in Paris. But she was completely trashed and only fifteen-years-old at the time. Looking back now it’s a little weird to think adults were not only letting a teenage girl get that drunk and high, but that they were encouraging it. It’s also incredibly unsettling to look back and realize men in their 30s and 40s were often seen groping and “helping” drunk and foolish young girls. What I thought was a safe place turned out not to be. 

I wish I could say I tried to help her sober up and “get it together”; but I didn’t. When she fell on the floor and people were looking and even laughing, I left the scene and hid on the balcony out of sheer embarrassment and a desire for safety. Fear back then was a faithful friend to me, keeping me out of dangerous situations. While my friend enjoyed the attention and laughed with her and slightly at her, as drunk people tend to do, I felt overwhelmed and confused by it all.

There on the balcony overlooking the Eiffel tower, I saw it light up in golden lights for the first time. I later realized this happens every hour on the hour but in that moment it was special. Significant somehow. I marvelled at this 5-minute display and felt as though my heart was meant to marvel at something more. I stood there wondering what on earth was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I happy to be where I was? This was it! A party like this is where I should want to be. But I felt so empty and disillusioned. Another voice chimed in commenting on the tower and I realized I wasn’t alone on the balcony. 

I’m still not sure exactly who that man was even though he was quite familiar to me. Growing up my mother didn’t have cable and my father mainly watched sports and the news, so naturally I was a bit clueless as to “who was who”. To give you an idea, years later I asked Marc Jacobs what he did for a living – at a garden party that he was hosting. Anyways, back to the balcony. This mystery man voiced what I was feeling in that moment. He expressed how disappointed and sad he was that nobody cared to take in the beauty of Paris on a night so perfect (and the weather was truly perfect and the street below unusually quiet). 

It was but a fleeting moment for him as he slammed back the rest of his champagne and rejoined the party. I stayed out there by myself for probably another fifteen minutes contemplating life and if it had any meaning. Everyone inside was getting wasted and quite high. That was actually the first time I had ever seen or been offered Cocaine. Thankfully I was a bit of a “square” and way too scared to try it, so I declined. But I was certainly tempted. One of the people heading to a back-room to do a few lines was actually an actress I practically worshipped. Boy was my worship ever misplaced. 

I thought about the small city I came from and how my friends back home got wasted and high just like this. It was not much different when I really thought about it. I thought it would feel different “at the top” but it just didn’t. I felt so wretchedly empty and confused. But being sixteen, I drank more wine and champagne than I should have and did my best to enjoy the party. Then came the final blow that night; I met my childhood idols. I had watched their movies and even had a poster of them on my wall as a kid.

I thought they had everything and from a worldly stand-point – they did. They were fabulously wealthy and enviously famous. Not to mention beautiful and most girls in North America (even the ones with mothers who did not have cable) knew who they were. But they were nothing like they were in their movies. What seemed to be so glorious and bright turned out to be incredibly dark and dull. It was evident in their eyes that they felt as empty as I did that night. One of the them was actually so high she made very little sense (it later came out she had a cocaine addiction). In the fall of 2006 they were on virtually every magazine cover and I thought they had it all. Over seventeen years have passed and time just continues to steal their beauty, their glory, and their fame. 

Now I know not every celebrity out there is an addict or wretchedly self-absorbed. But for me at sixteen you have to understand that to see my childhood idols like this was devastating. I was already in a rather fragile place at the time because a month prior to that party, a good friend of mine died in a car accident. So instead of walking for Calvin Klein in New York City that season, I flew home to his funeral. Which was why I did not “walk” any major shows in Paris that season. I mean, I did okay. But like I said at the start of this blog post, some moments in life can either shape you or break you. My friend’s death and that Versace-after-party did both. 

Sixteen seems a little young to have an existential crisis but there I was – confronted with the empty pursuit of fame and fortune that I was on. That party for me was a snapshot of what I had to look forward to if I ever reached “the top”. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I did have fun at some points throughout the night but my heart just ached for something more. Ultimately I came to know Christ as my Lord and Savior two years later.

Sometimes I think back on that smoke-filled room filled with celebrities and that frightened sixteen-year-old girl who was so desperately lost. It seems like such a removed and irrelevant experience to the life I live today. But I’ve been surprised to find that “palace room” in Paris actually resembles a lot of churches, the empty celebrities remind me of many who fill the pews, and the cocaine I was offered is a lot like some of the toxic teachings circling around today. 

While churches in theory should be the safest place to be, they often are not. Despite the countless warnings of caution found in Scripture, Christians are often surprised to find this out. I myself have been shocked at the deeds of darkness hidden among the light. But the serpent was in the garden, Judas was one of the twelve, and I know that there will always be people that creep in to pervert the Grace of God (See Jude 1:4). Not to mention the fact that Jesus himself warned us to watch out for “false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15). 

Since the pandemic many churches that closed never reopened, multiple celebrity pastors fell into scandal, and those who claimed to be Christians are now leading deconstructionist movements. What’s worse is when friends and loved ones fall prey to all of the above. In many ways it’s felt like I’m sixteen and disillusioned all over again. Somehow even I found myself looking once again to created things to give me the peace and safety I know is only found in the Creator. The right church, the right teachings, and the right people. But when idols fall, they fall hard. 

At this point the temptation is to conclude that churches can be just like that “palace room” in Paris – filled with hypocrites pretending to be something they’re not. Actors and actresses so pretty on the outside and yet so dark and empty within. In spite of the partial truth found in this statement, it is without a doubt the wrong conclusion to draw. Church is not meant to be a retail store where everything on display is perfect and new. It’s a place filled with broken and hurting people. Only unlike all those people in Paris over seventeen years ago – they are not without hope. 

So why continue going to church knowing it might not always be safe? Knowing you might be disappointed and even disillusioned? Because even though the serpent was in the garden, God was there. Even though Judas was one of the twelve, Jesus was there. And even though there will always be wolves in sheep’s clothing, many of the sweetest Saints are there in those same pews on Sunday mornings. No man is an island and a body is made up of many parts. If you are a Christian reading this, you are part of the body of Christ (1Corinthians 12:12-31). Church is the place to go to experience a collective connection to God, to hear the Scriptures taught, to worship, and to have rich fellowship with other believers. It has not and will not ever be perfect on this side of eternity. 

2020 was a hard year for a lot of people. 2021 too. As a Canadian I felt my freedom was stricken when we were all told we could not gather together. But Scripture is clear that we are NOT to neglect meeting together (Hebrews 10:24). I wish I could tell you dear reader, that I stood strong. But I found myself led more by emotions than what I knew to be true. And I can’t help but wonder how many out there can resonate with that. 

Thankfully I would wake every morning to find my husband faithfully in his Bible and I would end my day with the sight of him kneeling by our bed in prayer. Eventually I joined him and found the strength I needed to press on. God uses people. For me, he used my husband in those difficult times. Eventually, other bold christians reached out and had us in their homes. In 2020 with a screaming newborn who did not sleep for 9 solid months – those times of fellowship were like cold water to my dry and thirsty soul. 

Many of you reading this have not stepped inside a church since 2019. Maybe you’re scared or maybe you’ve been hurt. Maybe both. I can only plead with you to please go and be part of a church again. If you’re looking to the world to find your peace, your joy, and your purpose – it’s not there. Trust me. 

However a word of caution to my dear readers. Many churches in North America resemble a nightclub more than they do a place of holy and humble assembly. There’s often little difference between that dim-lit room in Paris and some of the churches out there. Having been raised with a mother who once was entrenched in the occult, I am hypersensitive to some of the practices found in the super charismatic churches gaining popularity today. Much of the prayers practiced have more to do with transcendental meditation than it does actual Biblical prayer. Many of the “signs and wonders” are cheap tricks and no wonder, “for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light” (2Corinthians 11:14). This kind of doctrine and teaching to me, is like the cocaine I was offered at that Versace-after-party. Just because celebrities consume it, it does not mean it’s right for you. 

But it’s not just the hyper “spiritual” churches or ones that flat out reject entire passages of the Bible that we have to be careful of (and I would add, not attend). Just like those celebrities in Paris that were eager to share their vials of white powder with the young and unassuming, there are many today spreading a poisonous doctrine that is sure to rot both brain and soul. 

This type of “cocaine-like doctrine” is so well hidden, that many don’t even realize it’s there. “If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations – Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch (referring to things that all perish as they are used) – according to human precepts and teachings? These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.” (Colossians 2:20-23, esv)

If someone, either in person or online, is telling you that you need Jesus plus something else – RUN. What we need is Jesus Christ plus nothing. Not Christ plus asceticism. Not Christ plus “right doctrine”. Christ plus nothing. That’s not to say that self-denial and sound doctrine are wrong. Quite the opposite. We are commanded to have self-control and sound doctrine is extremely essential (see 2Timothy 4:1-5). But when the emphasis and hope is placed on things outside of Christ, it has always been and will always be dangerous ground. This is why it’s imperative to not only study your Bible but both church and world history. 

If you are not Scripturally fed you will be theologically misled. Many of these influencers (and even christians you might know) that hold these hyper fundamentalist doctrines remind me a lot of monks in monasteries. They shun others who don’t hold their exact views believing that they can keep evil out, forgetting that the evil lives within themselves. They often capture weak women who are burdened with sins and they have the appearance of godliness but deny its power (see 2Timothy 3:1-7). 

If you grew up with a father that did not lead your family well, you will be especially drawn to some of the toxic teachings out there today. Some say that right theology alone will lead to right living, “but I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh” (Galatians 5:16). Looking to pastors or influencers or even “right doctrine” is not that different than my sixteen-year-old self looking to the Olsen twins – it’s all idolatry – the worship of something or someone besides God. 

So while it may seem odd that my target audience with this blog post is Christian women who currently do not attend church, it’s just what’s been heavy on my heart lately. So many sweet girls I once taught in children’s church, youth group, or even camp have been led astray by teachings so toxic – they’ve either left the faith entirely or are following their own passions and wandering off into myths. Many others have been enticed by legalism, acting as if good works and obeying laws can merit both salvation and sanctification. I can only point the latter group to Galatians 5 and remind them that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free, so please, do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. 

Our hearts are so easily led astray. A lot of people out there have put their faith in philosophy, theology, or even a pastor. But I can promise you this dear reader, the weakest faith in Jesus will always be far more liberating than the strongest faith in anything else.